Pressure: It Never Stops

alone man person sadness

This is going to be a rambling post. I am having a bad day. And so I am going to apologize in advance. But the pressure is starting to get to me.

No one has been told this before but my body blessed me with an autoimmune disorder that just wants to cause me nothing but problems. I have good days and bad. Not to go into too many specifics but it’s painful.

As of right now, I work full time. I am the sole breadwinner of our family of five as my husband is unable to work due to an injury and resulting disability.

This causes pressure; and a lot of it. What makes it worse is, due to my personality type, I feel like I have to be the strong one. I have to carry all the weight. I am the one that holds our family together. I don’t get to fall apart. I barely get to take a day to myself.

What am I supposed to do when I feel myself failing? What am I supposed to do when when I no longer feel good enough?

How am I supposed to fight back the feelings of inadequacy that I have because I can’t afford to buy a home for my kids to grow up in? Or to take them on a vacation? Or buy a new vehicle if something were to happen to ours? How am I ever supposed to make it to retirement?

Every day, I have fight these feelings back. And most days I can. Today was not that day. Today was tears, screaming into pillows, mentally battling myself, and praying for God to give me strength to keep carrying on.

I wish I could say that by the time I get to sleep, I would feel better. But I won’t be. I will have dreams of failure; that I won’t make it where I want to be.

And I will wake up, still feeling the same thing. The pressure will always be there. Some days it is just easier to keep myself motivated and moving forward. Other days, not so much. I hope I have a better day tomorrow.

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